Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Could I Fit Up There?

Once, my friend Jessica asked me "I wonder if I could fit up there".
Or did I ask her that?

Anyway, it was many, many, many, many years ago and all this time later, I'm still wondering.

I wonder what it would have been like if I'd taken the left, not the right. I wonder what would have happened had I used minute rice instead of regular rice in dinner last night. I wonder how different my life would have been if he were still alive. I wonder if he knows how grateful I will forever be. I wonder what would happen if I quit my job to properly take care of my family. I wonder if I really, really tried, could I "fit in" or just sail through, faking it? I wonder if I stopped being so absorbed in what is proper and normal, would I become those things?

Today, I miss my dad. It has been nearly 5 years and while my life has changed for the better, it doesn't hurt any less. I was told there was another death in the family last week (distant relative) and I told my Grandmother that I still think of my dad every day. And that I have a reoccurring dream about him every few months. She thought it was weird and that I should have "forgotten". This man raised me when no one else wanted to and he should be forgotten?
With all of these (distant & near) relatives dropping like flies in the past few years, it makes me wonder more...

Am I getting older? Granted, most of these deaths were of older, sick people. Some nice, some not so much. I still feel so fortunate to have close to me my mom, grandparents and sister.

My dad: he was a good hearted, overwhelmed man who died because he never utilized the word "no".

Today, I am sad.