Sunday, June 17, 2007

Kara & the benefits of girlfriends (and danger of none)

At my age (that would be 25), I imagined I would have a tight circle of girlfriends. Where we'd sing a drunken rendition of "Lean On Me" in the football field of our old high school and exchange poopie stories of our children whilst they played lovingly in the front yard, complete with tire swing. As I write (type?) this, I can actually visualize this in my mind.
But you know, none of it materializes. And if I'm going to be completely honest; I have no girlfriends.
When I was entering the "tender" years of my life (read: preteen & young adulthood), there was 4 of us. But as I grew older, I grew apart. The rest of them didn't (except the one who isn't with us anymore). They still talk and occasionally enjoy each other's company while I'm over here, ALONE, in hell (also known as the smallest place 3 people can live). (Where's my mama? Because the drama is overflowing!) It wasn't really their fault. You know the story: girl meets boy, girl's mother abandons her for New England, girl moves in with boy, gets knocked up & lives happily ever after. Oh? That's not the story you meant? Anyway, I moved less than a hour away but for me, each mile apart felt like 100.
Since then, I haven't felt the security of having a "best friend" around. I still have Jess, and we talk once in a while but not in the gut-wrenching ways that girlfriends talk.
And I have Kara. She lives two hours away but still has guided me in ways that I've needed yet missed for the last 9 years. She came to visit me last weekend & I learned about the beauty of flat-ironed hair. We also talked for a long time about a lot yet nothing. When she left, I had that sinking feeling in my chest again. I suspect this feeling is loneliness.
There is something missing, a small piece of my soul is absent. My (good) sister thinks this is because somewhere along the line, I lost myself. I disagree. I think all of me is here only to be awakened by the benefits of having a friend. One of complete unselfishness & agendas where similarly, differences, kindness and compassion runs deep and bonds.

I mentioned in a previous post that I'm taking a writing class. I'm telling everyone it's because I want to be a better writer (which is true) but really, I'm taking it to meet people (my reasons extend further than those two reasons; you'll see in later posts). My life is pretty limited in opportunity to meet new strangers (is that a double?) as my life is fairly limited in itself. I work for a company which employs 5 people (3 of whom are men), my child attends a school where there are less than 150 students and the moms generally suck.

(Feel free to insert the standard paragraph about how lucky I am to have my life, I wouldn't trade it for the world, blah blah blah.)

I want to gossip about celebrities, trade make-up tips & hair styles. I want to talk about my husband and child without the faint smell of competition. I want to look at pretty men in the mall and exchange knowing glances.

So, I'm embarking on this new quest to find myself a real friend. Wish me luck!

No comments: