Could I Fit Up There?

Once, my friend Jessica asked me "I wonder if I could fit up there".
Or did I ask her that?


Anyway, it was many, many, many, many years ago and all this time later, I'm still wondering.

I wonder what it would have been like if I'd taken the left, not the right. I wonder what would have happened had I used minute rice instead of regular rice in dinner last night. I wonder how different my life would have been if he were still alive. I wonder if he knows how grateful I will forever be. I wonder what would happen if I quit my job to properly take care of my family. I wonder if I really, really tried, could I "fit in" or just sail through, faking it? I wonder if I stopped being so absorbed in what is proper and normal, would I become those things?

Today, I miss my dad. It has been nearly 5 years and while my life has changed for the better, it doesn't hurt any less. I was told there was another death in the family last week (distant relative) and I told my Grandmother that I still think of my dad every day. And that I have a reoccurring dream about him every few months. She thought it was weird and that I should have "forgotten". This man raised me when no one else wanted to and he should be forgotten?
With all of these (distant & near) relatives dropping like flies in the past few years, it makes me wonder more...

Am I getting older? Granted, most of these deaths were of older, sick people. Some nice, some not so much. I still feel so fortunate to have close to me my mom, grandparents and sister.

My dad: he was a good hearted, overwhelmed man who died because he never utilized the word "no".


Today, I am sad.

Easter & Babies

Pull up a seat. This may take a while.

I wish I could remember how old I was when I stopped believing in make believe. Things like the Easter Bunny, Santa, The Tooth Fairy, etc. I think (hope?) we have a good 2 years before we have an issue with Santa; and I hope we have a while before Chicken realizes the Tooth Fairy's bank account is in my name since she hasn't lost any teeth yet. However, this may be the last year for the Easter Bunny. He's just not believable. An overgrown bunny who gives out eggs and Easter baskets? And how come the basket he left me have essentially has the same toys & candy Mom made for my friends and cousins? These are the questions she is already starting to ask. And why does he leave the basket out before church but no eggs until AFTER church?

I am very sad. Our daughter is growing up. Last year I was OK with her growing up. It seemed everyone around us was having babies. And I LOVE BABIES! More than kids. Really! I don't really like kids. I mean, I like the kids we're close with (most of them) but I'm not crazy about random children. But babies...who doesn't love a nice, fat baby? Now, all the babies from last year are talking, walking toddlers. I loose interest around the 2nd birthday when they learn to utilize the word "NO" and discover their own independence and control. Nixie, one of "our" babies threw a cracker at me a few weeks ago. She wanted a cookie, I gave her a cracker and she straight threw it at me. And earlier in the week, she rolled her eyes at me!
I am starting to get used to the idea that we may not have another child in our family. I know I have been saying this for over a year now but I MIGHT be accepting this fact now. With the cost of housing and child care; not to mention a certain someone's (ahem) age; the window of opportunity is closing. We shall see.
Summer is almost here and I am looking forward to long Saturdays on the beach, whole weekends at water parks and dinner parties at our house. In the meantime, it is Spring. Chicken is more and more excited about Sunday and all it brings. Being a student at a Christan school, she actually learned about the true meaning of Easter, which only makes it that much more special.
Happy Easter & Passover

Myspace.com

I have come to this conclusion: I am ill suited for myspace.

I spent a little time searching for folks on myspace.com. I did a search for my high school, my hometown and random names I could remember from my past.
It's interesting to see what people have become in 10 years time. I found one friend who was very blah growing up and she's unbelievably beautiful now. I found someone else who still looks 15.
Anyway...I was a little disturbed. I probably came across 20 girls (women, I guess they are now) that I used to know "back in the day". I would say that near half are with or have child(ren). Now obviously, they are my age and HELLO! I have child(ren). However, it seems that these women's sites were inappropriate. One girl had a picture of her holding her daughter and it said "glassy eyes 420!" (doesn't CPS ever troll myspace?) and she spoke highly of lots of drinking and drugs. Another woman had a picture of herself peeing in a bathroom drunk and the next picture was of her son. And here was the really messed up part...I saw a picture of a woman and I SWEAR she was wearing a shirt that used to be mine. So wrong.

Maybe I am up on a soap box. Maybe I have high standards (wouldn't be the first time someone said that about me). Perhaps, even, I am slightly judgemental. It is my opinion that when you have a child, your own life stops. Don't get me wrong. I have the occasional girls night out and I try and go to ALL of Mr. Brown's local shows. And on very rare occasion, I have a couple of drinks.
But you're not allowed to dress up in "street-wear" and brag about your "activities" when you have children. You don't get to act like you're 16. Even if you are. You just don't get to have that much fun. Or at least you don't get to put it out there on myspace for the world (and jerks like me) to see.
I hope that in real life, these people have "normal" lives. I hope that they make cupcakes for their kids' school and are consumed by laundry and annoying husbands. (Sound familiar?) I hope they love and care for their children how children should be. I hope their myspace is just a front.

Anyway. I found this experiment to be...confusing. On one hand, I was glad to see so many of my old friends got out of PB County. On the other, I was sad to see how many were still there and would probably stay for the rest of their lives. It's funny how in 8 to 12 years, everyone is an extreme. They've either completely changed (for the good or bad) or they're exactly the same.
It was fun. Seeing old boyfriends, best friends and enemies. I sent emails to those I wanted to let know I was still alive (a lot of people had doubts) and told them how happy I was to see their happiness.

Lastly, I am grateful. For my life, for my family and for the hard times. Because no matter how hard they are, you wont see a picture of my boobs or hear/see me talk about how "crunked up" (I think this is slang for inebriated or otherwise intoxicated. Please correct me if I'm wrong) I was the other night. At least not on myspace. It's just not the place.

(HEY, I rhymed!!!!)