I'm out of order? YOU'RE out of order! This whole room is out of order!

For reasons that I don't think I can publicly discuss; my life has been unusually stressful this week. Let's just say, someone I used to work for is suing someone I may or may not currently work for and I was dragged into the middle to give some information to someone. Yeah, good luck with this one. I am trying to remember to use my blog as a stress reliever instead of...oh, let's say a bag of Tootsie Rolls. But that's kind of like remembering to use your inside voice while in a library and being attacked by killer meal worms. Visualize that for a minute. Not so easy, eh?



Hypothetically, if you ever have to interview me in a legal setting, allow me to give you some handy pointers. (Why, yes, I am extremely considerate.) First, do not start by reminding me how stupid I am. I am as stupid as you want me to be. Second, it does not bode well with me to display manipulative behavior. I may or may not have a fancy law degree from a fancy school but I am ghetto. And us ghetto rats can identify manipulative and similar behaviors immediately. Third, do not loose your temper; the madder you are, the more confident I am. You're welcome.

I couldn't be happier this week is over. I didn't know it was going to be so draining and stressful. I also didn't know I would relieve those emotions by crying for several hours (also - I ate many Tootsie Rolls).

Mommy needs a nap

If you've ever had the torture (I mean, pleasure) of watching Dora the Explorer, you're probably familiar with the song "He's a grumpy old troll" which is all about a grumpy old troll who lives under a bridge and won't ever let Dora and her friends over without serious effort. Except now, I think that song was written about me.
Maybe I'm PMSing and since I don't track my - ahem - cycles, I never know when that bitch Aunt Ruby is going to rear her ugly head and turn my world upside down for the 3 days before her visit. None the less - I'm very crabby. And emotional. And sensitive. And everyone is getting on my GOD DAMNED nerves!
So I'm not sure if God is considering my file for admission into heaven someday but I'm pretty sure I've left him confused with yesterday's events. I was in Target for some Retail Therapy with crap from China and there was an elderly woman in a motorized scooter trying to maneuver her way though the women's clothing racks. She was having quite a bit of difficulty and so I (Hercules), moved two shelving racks so she could get through. Guaranteed admission ticket, right?
Except several hours later, I was in Publix at around 5:30 pm; which, apparently is the worst time to be there. I needed items from the deli so I instructed The Husband to stand in the sub line while I stood in the fresh sliced deli line. A very nosy woman (clearly without sense of intuition because I had to have had the look and she didn't take it as a clue) gave me two instructions on how to purchase both deli & subs at the same time. There was some confusing discussion and I finally looked at her and said "How would you suggest I do two things at once?". Except I was very snarky and had the tone. 2.2 seconds later I was buried with guilt. But later came to the conclusion that really, she deserved it. And after that, I realized that I snapped on a stranger who was probably trying to make that moment in my life a little easier because I AM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!
Who knows what ultimate fate God will present to me when the time comes (a very, very, very long time from now - I'd like to be rewarded from this stage of my life also known as hell, aka life with a 7 year old girl, with grandchildren). But surely, He's got some thinkin' to do!

Help Wanted

I am seeking someone who can help me re-vamp this blog.

I'd like to redesign it and make the layout more reader friendly. I truly have no idea what I want it to look like, though. I assume you designer types know how to make it all pretty and stuff.

Also - I don't want to pay for this. All I can offer you are things like kid-friendly craft ideas, how to better procrastinate and how not to do the laundry.

Please link me to your friends who are way smarter than me. Thank you.

People who don't look in the mirror

We spent a lovely Mother's Day Weekend at the Nick Hotel in Orlando, FL. I may write a review on this hotel later but I've got more urgent things to discuss. (The hotel, really, was very nice and I would highly recommend it to anyone with children ages 3 - 15.)

Allow me to prelude my thesis by saying I am all about women embracing their bodies regardless of what it looks like, is shaped like, weighs, etc. More so, I am in support of knowing what you can and cannot pull off in relation to your body type. Love yourself no matter what. But seriously...? Know your limit.

This hotel has two water parks which translates to many families in bathing suits. I've learned one very important fact about American mothers this weekend; many do not own mirrors nor do they utilize mirrors in fitting rooms. This was proven to me by the visual display American women put on during thier stay at the Nick Hotel. Women weighing in at over 200 lbs should not wear string bikinis. If the majority of your clothing (and especially undergarments) comes from the plus size section - you should not wander into the Juniors department for swimwear. I'm just sayin'.
As an American mother who looks like most other American mothers and not like Nicole Richie or Christina Aguilera; I fully sympathize with the struggle to find the bathing suit. I know that I can't wear a bikini.
Here's my question: When the plus-size women tried on their bathing suit, did they decide that string bikini was the one for them? Did their companion encourage this unscrupulous purchase? (Because just like finding ass-jeans, you must always bring a companion when bathing suit shopping.) Perhaps this was a purchase that was made 70lbs ago? But before you left your Spongebob Square Pants suite and headed down to the pool, did you check yourself in the 4 mirrors located in each suite? At that time, did you get that warm and fuzzy feeling one usually gets when looking smokin' hot? Also - a tan (even the spray-on kind) really helps deflect the sun from your white body.

In relation - if you are a woman who is lucky enough / works hard enough to obtain a string bikini-worthy body, here's a loving note of advice: When enjoying a day of leisure poolside with your children at a children's themed hotel, please refrain from thong bathing suits. There are pre-teen/adolescent boys here who may become victim of injury attempting to stare at your ass. Because it's the first ass they've seen in person who isn't related to them. I'm sure their tube socks, washcloths and Kleenex will thank you tonight.

What Happens?

What happens when you're stuck in a job you despise more and more everyday but can't quit because the economy is to shit & no one is hiring?
What do you do when you have a boss whom you admire and respect yet she allows her employees to walk all over her?
When are you supposed to do when you've walked out of work early citing the on-set of a nervous breakdown and even your boss knows it's that bad she won't stop or penalize you?
What if you've haven't seen a raise in 2 years because you know the company is still building itself and can't afford it. Yet you've never bitched about it because you believe in that company and want to see it's success?
What happens if you've been dragged into a lawsuit involving your job?
What do you do if you're encouraged to take vacation because you "use it or loose it" but when you plan for that vacation, it's considered selfish?
What happens when you land a huge customer (one that the company would have folded without), bust butt everyday to keep that customer happy, go above and beyond your actual job description to accommodate that customer's requests but the other employees do nothing to help; in fact, they only hinder?
What happens when the reason you get out of bed every morning is to volunteer and the second work enters your mind, you push the snooze button?

What are you supposed to do then?

Mother's Day

Real bloggers have been doing this and it looked fun so here's my contribution.

In honor of Mother's Day, I've listed 10 things I didn't know before I became a Mother.
In no particular order:

10 - I didn't know that I would become increasingly controlling and OCD-like yet learn to let go of so much.
9 - I didn't know the highlight of my days would be spent in a classroom - where I'm not paid - and never bitch about it.
8 - I didn't know it would be so difficult to find family friends where everyone in that family likes everyone from our family.
7 - I didn't know I'd understand my own mother.
6 - I didn't know I'd spend more than one day in a kid theme hotel because of their water slide and love it.
5 - I didn't know how much a child could have so many of your bratty tendencies (and that I'd be a little proud).
4 - I didn't know that I would become "THAT" Mom. (You know what kind of Mom I'm talking about, too.)
3 - I didn't know how much a "Littlest Pet Shop" would really, really hurt when stepped upon.
2 - I didn't know girls have toilet aim just as bad as little boys (how does that happen?).
1 - I didn't know I was truly capable of loving so openly.

It's a slow start

There have been a million posts I've started to write; both on this page & in my head and just never finished.
As many people are, I'm a little (ahem) crazy. I'm probably overly-critical of myself and perhaps slightly insecure. When I'm doing something (in this case - writing) and it seems that it's just not right/good enough/lacking/(insert negative adjective here), I walk away. Sometimes I push through and come out the other end with successful results.
Except there are just so many things that I am not good enough/lacking/bad/(insert another negative adjective here) at that this blog and my writing was ignored. With the risk of sounding very much martry-ry (that's not a word - whatever), I face many challenges throughout my life and on a day-to-day basis. As a young mother, there are always stereotypes I am trying to break, judgements I'm trying to reverse and opinions I'm trying to change. Never have I been so motivated yet exhausted trying to break all the rules that aren't right.

But in an effort to save my old self, I've decided to focus on my writing. It's really something I love and would like to be good at (yeah - how's that working out for you, English grammar person?). I don't have any funny stories off the top of my head to tell at this moment but I will give a short update which will be followed by a Mother's Day post.

Adventures of Brown:
I've still been sittin' here at work 8am-2pm working for the man (actually, woman) which is quickly trimming minutes off of my life span. Tomorrow is always more stressful than today and I'm always going to struggle with that. So until The Husband has a hit record, expect me to always scream about this place.
After 2pm, however, is my passion. I've increased my responsibility with Chicken's school and actually have a "title"; one I'm exceptionally honored to hold. Volunteering brings purpose to my day (you know - aside from being a mother and wife) and I look forward to being at school.
Chicken has made honor roll for the 3rd quarter this year. In Florida, you must take a standardized government test (Thank you, "No Child Left Behind") - 1st & 2nd graders take a test and 3rd - 5th take a test called something different but with the same results (you fail the test, you fail the grade). Anyway - Chicken scored the highest score in the school with 1st & 2nd graders. We're so thrilled (and I just cannot imagine where she gets all that intelligence from) and have rewarded her with many material things and a mini-vacation (bribe much?).
The Husband continues to tour the country on the weekends chasing that big musical dream. We love him anyway.

So - that's what's happening here. Thanks to my loyal reader for anxiously waiting for this post. Sorry I've disappointed you all (err - the one of you).