For it is a temple

Dear Body,

First, I would like to thank you for cooperating this afternoon at the gynecologist's office. It was a drastic improvement from our last gyno visit; which as we both remember was less than pleasant - hell, it wasn't even sane. It may have helped that I called in the appropriate anti-anxiety friends to calm you but still - I give credit where credit is due.

Body, I know I haven't always been kind to you. After all, I've spent a lot of years filtering nicotine into your blood stream and eating more than our share (and a small African community) of Twinkies, ho ho's and Hershey bars. But this time you've really gone too far. I tried giving you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you missed the Twitter where I announced to you and your organisms, cells and other crucial elements that we are on a diet. However, the debilitating headaches and endless lack of energy proves to me that you've noticed the aforementioned sugar and other miscellaneous junk food disappearance. This isn't any old diet, you know. This is the diet in which I am preparing you to gain even more mass for the purpose of procreation. I know you probably don't want to manage another 30lbs on top of what we've already got going on and I'm only looking out for your best interests here.

So please tell me why - after 7 days of strict dietary cut-backs and enormous amounts of water - have you gained 3 flecking pounds?

Sincerely Yours,
Sophia