Sometimes, I'm not at all funny

I really wanted this blog to be light-hearted and funny. Like me! So I must apologize in advance to all my old (and new) readers who came here looking for comedy relief only to find political speak. I promise to get back in the hilarious swing of things very soon.

In the meantime, I'd like to take this time to welcome everyone to my new writing haven! I'm so excited about this and have a running list of things I can't wait to write about in addition to stories about my funny life. Hopefully, you'll find me interesting and readable, I often write how I talk: fast, long-winded and in circles.

Until I can sit down and write a proper description and introduction (very soon! Like, tonight!), please browse through my archives and see for yourself how funny, smart (and pretty) I am!

Don Imus

Caution: This post may be found offensive by some readers. My opinions reflect me and only me. Besides, it's my blog and I can write about whatever I want to. SO THERE!

In case you've been off on a space tourist mission launching from Katzastan with specially created astronaut meals created by my woman-lover, Martha Stewart, you're probably well aware of the controversy surrounding Nationally syndicated CBS morning talk show host, Mr. Don Imus this week. He referred to a mostly black, women's college basketball team as "nappy-headed hoes".

Please let the record show: I do not support Mr. Imus' comments.

A national uproar has stemmed from these statements, especially from the black community (and rightfully so). Prestigious figures and companies are criticizing, boycotting and calling for the firing of Mr. Imus. MSNBC (who televises his radio broadcast daily) has already dropped his show, saying "It was the only decision we could come to." I am all for boycotting and speaking out against him; it's the American way. African-Americans protested the public transportation system and won. That's a great example of how speaking out and withholding your money (equals power) will send shock waves throughout. However, I am hurt by the MSNBC firing and the possibility of CBS letting Mr. Imus go.
Where did our constitutional right of Freedom of Speech go?
In my opinion, Mr. Imus made a bad joke in very poor taste. That's what he does, he's part shock jock, part commentator. If you review just a few of his decades-long transcripts, you'll find he's said far harsher words. It's his shtick to be offensive and he's an equal opportunity basher. Think Howard Stern with less sex and more politics. It's his job (which he's been very successful) to be shocking and perverse. Don did not go on a drunken hate tirade. He did not respond to hecklers in an angry, racist rant. He said a joke. A very bad joke. I don't believe it was with hateful intentions; he thought he was funny (he wasn't and quickly realized it).
With Freedom of Speech comes the responsibility to be held accountable for your words so criticizing and boycotting him is the American way. It's how we should respond when we're offended. Now that we've got the thought police intruding on opinions, jokes and conversations, I believe we're in severe danger.
Aside from my opinions on Freedom of Speech and this situation, I feel sorry for Mr. Imus.
He's simply the victim of "the art of distraction". Because this administration thinks they're so much smarter than the American public, they blind us with useless news. In case no one has noticed, we're in the middle of a (n illegal) war. Thousands of people, OUR people, have died for oil and contract money. Where is the outrage for that? Sure, plenty of people are protesting but no major news network is reporting any of it. Instead, we're consumed by Anna Nicole's death and Brangelina's next adoption. Do not be fooled by Freedom of Press. The current administration is controlling all of what we see and hear.
How many of you have heard or read about the awful conditions of William Reed Hospital in Washington DC? Where our troops are coming back from Iraq without limbs and being cared for in dire and disgusting conditions. How many of you have heard or read about the terminal illnesses the first responders of 9/11 are suffering from? They will soon be dying at alarming rates from all of the debris and disease they inhaled on that day. Why isn't that breaking news? Because it's not glamorous and pretty? I refuse to buy into that. We, the American people, cannot be that shallow and petty. If you read or watch any news outlets outside of America (such as BBC America), you'll see the actual news and the tragedy our forces are suffering daily (not to mention the suffering of the innocent in Iraq).
I am saddened by the future of our country. We are headed for bad times unless people start standing up and speaking out for themselves, our Constitution and what's really important.

Busted - Part Deux

Remember when I told you my story of being busted by a school bus full of kids while dancing?
Well, it's happened again. Only this time it wasn't a school bus full of kids. It was a Honda Civic with 4 teenagers inside.
And it was during the same. damn. song!
To celebrate this, here are the lyrics to the song I love so much. You can also find the video on youtube. Maybe now I'll get over it and quit dancing like a fool in the street.

Jagged Edge Let's Get Married (reception Remix) Lyrics

JD: This here Is a remarkable
So-so def...remix
J.E. y'all
Run-DMC
To the beat y'all
A-ha...A-ha
And me...y'all know my name
C'mon

Jagged Edge:
See first of all (Yeah)
I know these so-called playa'z wouldn't tell you this (What?)
But I'm go be real and say what's on my mind (Yeah)
Let's take this chance and make this love feel relevant
Didn't you know I loved you from the start? (Yo)
Yeah.....
When I think about (Uh-huh, huh)
All these years we put in this relationship (Yeah)
Who'll knew we'd make it this far? Then I think about (Uh-huh)
Where would I be if we were just to fall apart?
And I can't stand the thought of leaving you...

Meet me at the altar in your white dress(Uh-huh)
We ain't gettin' no younger we might as well do it
I been feeling you all the while girl i must confess girl
let's just get married I just wanna get married
Meet me at the altar in your white dress
We ain't gettin' no younger we might as well do it
Been feeling you all the while girl I must confess girl
Let's get married i just wanna get married

Said I done it all but frankly girl I'm tired of this emptiness
I wanna come home to you and only you{Why?}
Cause making love to anyone ain't happenin' I just gotta be with you
I think about
Us finishin' somethin' we started so long ago?
I wanna give you my heart
Do you think about maybe us having some babies? C'mon won't you be my lady?
Forever girl....

Run-DMC:
What's goin' on across the sea?
It ain't nuthin', I ain't frontin'
Shorty coming wit' me
Now I done already gave you the keys to the Range
And your last name 'bout to change
Now you Mrs. Simmons
Got a better livin'
What a dif-rence Rev Run made
I use to be the snake type
Hangin' out late night Girl you done made me change my life
Ever since you met me Keys to the Bentley
Now they call you the preacher's wife
I'm the type of guy that
Take you out and buy that Ring with the rock that'll break your arm
Playaz won't try that
Now you can't deny that
Triple dub Rev to the Run dot com

Jagged Edge:

Meet me at the altar in your white dress(Uh-huh)
We ain't gettin' no younger we might as well do it
I been feeling you all the while girl i must confess girl
let's just get married I just wanna get married
Meet me at the altar in your white dress
We ain't gettin' no younger we might as well do it
Been feeling you all the while girl I must confess girl
Let's get married I just wanna get married

Spotlight 25 & Domestication

Since these two subjects are slightly related (ok, really, the only thing they have in common is me), I'm going to condense two blogs into one. Besides, some of my last few posts have been about other people. I need some time to talk about me. Because I like me. I am freaking awesome.Here we go...
I watched a Lifetime special called "Spotlight 25". The premise of the show was to infiltrate the lives and minds of women my age; 25 years old. I was really looking forward to watching this special mostly because I wanted to see myself in comparison to my generation. As many know, I've never quite "fit in" with my age. For as long as I can remember, I've been attracted to people older than myself. Lots of people chalk this up to being "mature, wise beyond years", etc. That's probably true but it's always been a little difficult, not ever feeling "normal" within my age group and a little lost in my own head. The special was interesting regardless but personally, I was frustrated because out of 12 women, only 2 had children. And the two with children were very career oriented, climbing-the-corporate-ladder types. I'm nothing like that. There were no women featured like me; young moms/wives who's life focus is on their families and nothing else. Needless to say, it was deflating to see that once again, I did not fit in with others my exact age. It was bizarre watching women on TV that are "supposed" to be just like me. On one hand, I felt much wiser and perhaps slightly superior than most of the panel. On the other hand, I felt inferior. I do not, like many of these 12 women, have a college education or a high powered career. I do, however, have experience where they have education. And I have love which most of these women were still searching for. It's a strange feeling to be both disappointed and proud of yourself in 1 hour's time.Lifetime is supposed to be running a special where the spotlight is on 30 year olds. I'm tuning into that with hopes that I will feel satisfied by this age group. Or maybe I will never fit in with any group. Perhaps I have the best of both worlds, a young age number with older opinions, experience and lifestyle. This way, I get away with a little more. On the plus side, I always win those "guess your age" games at the fair.
Before you read this next part, please go back and read my most recent post about "How Wild Women Stay Thin".
Did you read it? Ok good. Moving on...
As you know (since you were specifically asked to read the article!), the article (which was written by a man. UGH!) makes the observation that women who are "domesticated", i.e., wives, mothers, caregivers, etc, are fat because they don't get a chance to express their wildly desires so therefore, they turn to comfort foods. I have severely mixed feelings about this article. I'm offended first, because it was written by a man. What the hell does a man know about being domesticated and the feelings of oppression one may have? Even if the oppression is self-imposed. Second, the article insinuates women cannot be both domesticated AND "wild". I'm not sure they can either but that's neither here nor there. Lastly, are "domesticated" women feeling SO sorry for themselves that they're turning to comfort foods and making themselves fat and ugly? I hope not.With that said, I tend to agree with this doctor. In order to express WHY I agree, I'm going to talk about myself. (Remember? This blog is all about me because I am great!)I feel a lot of oppression. Not from anyone but myself, it's completely self inflicted oppression. I oppress myself because of a huge responsibility I have to my family. I oppress in order to be superior to those I openly criticize. Thanks to the WWoMS (this would be: The Wunnerful World of MySpace), I've reunited with lots of old friends. And they all say the same thing to me; "I cannot believe how much you've changed!" and "I would have never pinned you as a wife and mother!" I was wild. I was loud and outgoing, slightly crazy. I was angry, passionate and maybe showed some bi-polar tendencies. I would try just about anything once and jumped on every dare. I've been like that since the age of about 7. Then something shifted. I had a baby, got married. I cannot credit (or blame) my transformation on Chicken or my husband, Husband, because the process began years after both of them came into my life. I wish I could pinpoint the exact time in my life where I changed but I cannot recall. Probably because it didn't happen that fast (although it truly feels like it did). It was more of a gradual change starting when I was approximately 17 years old. Since then, I've learned and grown so much. My priorities were modified and I needed to give my child a life that I never had but always dreamed of. I wanted to be the perfect wife. Those dreams are still strong in my mind but over the years they've faded and have too, changed. I'm not the perfect wife and I'm far from the ideal mother but my focus is 100% on my family. I'm no longer wild, I'm not dangerous and much more contained. Although, I'm still loud. On my journey to be "normal", I've oppressed my own desires. But here's the thing; I don't feel like being "wild" is a particular desire that I have. Of course, I crave a girls night out like everyone else but my idea of a perfect girls night out is a bottle of wine and an art project. Or going bowling and drinking cheap beer. Maybe I'm different because I sewed my wild oats long ago. I know what's out there and I know it's not always pretty. Or maybe I've oppressed myself to the point that I don't even KNOW what my true desires are anymore!With regards to the comfort food issue, I'm not sure it's true for me. I've certainly gained plenty of weight over the years but is it because I've turned to comfort food as a form of feeling sorry for myself since I'm no longer considered a "wild girl"? I hope not. I always thought I gained so much weight over the years first as a way of comfort after my dad passed away but later because I was happy. Not because I am sad. Besides, I've seen plenty of fat party girls.

I wanted to write more about other things but this is enough about me (because really, I'm not THAT awesome). For now. I've put myself out there for everyone to see and I hope I've done it well without too much confusion and contradiction. Then again, that's me; my life has always been filled with a lot of confusion and contradiction. And pretension.
That pretension, she's a bitch.

No Wonder Why My Ass Keeps Growing!

I borrowed this article from ediets.com. I find it to ring slightly true in my personal life but also found it to be highly offensive. Especially since it was written by a man. I have a lot to say about "domestication", particularly when it pertains to women my age and I'm trying to gather my thoughts to write a blog about it. Stay tuned. In the meantime, enjoy the article and let me know your thoughts on it!

How Wild Women Stay Thin
By Dr. Matthew AndersoneDiets ContributorUpdated: April 5, 2007
A life too focused on domestic duties and expectations can drain a woman of her instinctual wildness, passion and creativity. Too many women control their wildness with comfort food, and thus create extra pounds instead of aliveness.
I'm going to share the definition of "to domesticize" with you. This may make you sick, but sometimes getting sick is a healthy response to something toxic.
To Domesticize – To train, to live with and be of use to man; to tame.
This definition originally applied to animals, however, too often now, applies to women. When a woman cooperates too fully with the process of domestication, she runs the risk of losing her connection to her instinctual aliveness. Weight gain is a significant result of this subtle, but dangerous process.
Question: Have you been overly domesticated? Is your day and your life filled to the brim with domestic duties? Do you ever feel that you are a slave to your household duties, to your children's and/or husband's needs?
Question: Do you ever have the urge to be something other than, or in addition, to domestic? Does this idea seem exciting or threatening, or both?
Question: Do you ever feel the urge to live a life that is an expression of your wild energy -- more robust, inventive, creative, passionate, more wolf-like than domestic pet, unashamed, un-muzzled, animated and imaginative, confident, clear, dream-driven and ultimately fully alive?
Question: Do you use comfort food to manage your wild energy? Many weight-challenged women in America unsuccessfully attempt to domesticate their natural and instinctual energies under the guise of being good mothers, good wives and good citizens. Then they fight a daily battle with their deeper untamed selves. The most obvious symptom of this battle is fat.
You are not a family pet that needs to be tamed. I know our culture might have you think this, but you and I both know this idea is reprehensible. I am certain that there is an energy rising in you at this very moment that wants to shout an untamed, "Yes!" The question then is: What are you going to do with it? If you do not find a meaningful path of expression for this energy you will continue to have an extremely difficult time losing weight
It works like this: Your wild energy wants to find expression in your daily life. Your rules about having to be a domesticated being demand that your wildness get back into its cage. Comfort food becomes your main means for caging the energy. Since your wild energy is instinctual and basic to your existence, it will not go away. Thus, you require an endless supply of comfort food to manage it.
If you go on a diet, you have to try to manage your instinctual wildness with willpower instead of comfort food. Using willpower in an attempt to manage your instinctual wildness is like using a dog leash to handle King Kong. No wonder your diet fails!
What then is the solution? Here is a brief, but highly effective set of guidelines I have often shared with my clients and workshop participants. By the way, they work for men too.
Guidelines for Expressing Your Wildness
1. Acknowledge and accept the fact that instinctual, healthy wildness is an essential part of your being.
2. Get a journal and begin to list and describe how your wildness could be expressed. This exercise will help you moderate the anxiety that may initially arise when you approach these energies in yourself. Remember, your wildness is not inherently dangerous, but you may experience some discomfort as you begin to get to know it.
3. Read the book Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Try to read it in an undomesticated way. I know you think you have to read a book front to back. Forget that. Read this book in any fashion you like. Choose a story and read it. Find a paragraph that turns you on, write it on a card and carry it around with you. Devour the book.
4. Start every day with the following question: How can I express my wildness today?
If you want more encouragement and ideas about how to express your wildness, please email me at DrA@DrAusa.com.

The Art of Butchery

Not butchery as in a butch lesbian. Nor butchery like the handling, carving and distribution of meat. I mean butchery as in destroy, humiliate and completely destroy up the English language.
Today, while browsing houses for sale on a popular website, I came across a disturbing discovery. An owner (and I know it was an owner because it was the BUYOWNER website) boasted this: "...access to private golf coarse..." What? Are you kidding me? You want me to pay half a million dollars for your house (which looks like it's worth a quarter of that price) and you cannot distinguish the difference between coarse (as in rough) and course (as in obstacle)? NEXT!
My education is less than most people I know. Which, in my opinion, gives me the authority to be appalled by the lack of proper writing. Not just formal or creative writing but good 'ol regular letter writing, emails, even instant messages. Perhaps that's why my love for proper language has cultivated into near obsession. Almost as if I have something to prove. Something like this: "I may not have graduated with my class or walked across a stage for a diploma, but dammit, I'm smart!" We, as a generation, have damaged our reputation with regards to writing and grammar. My 6 year old is in 1st grade reading where they're learning to form proper grammar, letter writing and English language skills. I know we've come a long way since 1st grade; our brains have been filled with so much since 20 years age but try to use some of the tools taught to you during elementary education.
When I was dating (hard to remember such a time, eh?), I had very few requirements in a man. They needn't a car or a job. They needed to possess conversation skills. They needed a sense of humor and intelligence. If we reflected back to the different kinds of guys I've dated, we'd find that they had nothing in common besides basic use their brains and usually the ability to make me laugh until I peed myself. I dated wanna-be gangsters, wanna-be punk rockers, night club managers, pre-law college students and eventually married a musician (a good one, too!). They were all shapes, colors and levels of appearance. One had a face only a mother could love. I once dated a guy who was so bad for me but I didn't care because even though he had a certain exterior; inside, I knew there was a very smart kid and if only I could get him to express it more, we could get married and live happily ever after. Well, obviously, that didn't happen. I still believe he's smarter than he lets on but he's still living with his parents, doesn't have a job or a car and lives the same life as when we dated. Boy, am I glad I didn't go THAT route!
In a time where hardly anyone hand-writes letters and notes (I do) in lieu of computers and programs like Microsoft Word, it's shocking and disturbing how the English language is being butchered in such a manner. I am not, by nature or history, a spelling bee champion, nor am I a prize-winning writer. I just have a need to portray myself as well-spoken.
Even if I am a crazy bitch.
I realize now that I've probably subjected myself to extreme scrutiny with respect to my writing. I'm not saying my grammar or spelling is free of mistakes. I'm just saying I use Microsoft Word and even that only catches so many errors. And I do make typos. A lot. And I do often write exactly how I speak (like how I just used "And" at the beginning of several sentences. A big no-no!). In other words, I'm not perfect. But I'm damn close!
My friends, smart and dumb, please use the program which comes free with most computers to check the errors of your ways. You can only blame the education system for so long before it's no longer a reflection of your poor education but a reflection of your laziness and stupidity. Single women, you will attract much better men, single men, you will attract much better women. And everyone will live happily ever after.
Just like me. (haha)

Bad, Bad Girl Brown

You know. Instead of Leroy Brown. I crack myself up.
I'm a bad blogger, I know. I can go weeks (months?) without writing a single word but this is changing (at least today).
My writing process is very personal. I usually write in my head before I can actually record it onto paper (or keyboard/monitor). Then I have to mull over it, edit it, read it, rewrite it, re-edit and then (and only then!), I post. And I am unsatisfied with my own writing 90% of the time but I try to resist the urge to take it away and try again. Please.
I've wanted to write a book for a very long time, about 12 years now. Jessica and I used to talk about how we should write a book with all of our great stories and memories. I started to write a memoir once right after I had Chicken but a hungry newborn took priority. Besides, I didn't feel like I had enough "meat" to write an interesting book. As years have passed, my desire to put these stories together has really blossomed. I'm still not sure I have enough compelling stories (and who knows if my stories are interesting enough?) but I have plenty of inspiration. Those who know my background and family know the drama (Oh, you say you don't know the drama? Thank your lucky stars then). And those that have known me for a long time know all the crazy stuff that I've done and have had happen to me.
But where does one start when writing about their life? Usually, people who write successful memoirs are writing about their life as a member of an (in)famous family of some sort. My family is infamous, allright! Then there is the question of what to write and what to withhold. This would be my personal story but the details of many things could be hurtful to others, both dead and alive.
I've also considered including a compilation of stories written by my close friends and family. Kind of like lots of short stories into one 200 page book. I just don't know where to begin.
Yes I do. I'm going to start by making a list of all the memories I have that could cultivate into a great book. Then I'm going to write on those memories. A little cut and paste, BOOM! I've got a book.
Seems so easy.
Now I just have to actually write something. And then sell it to a publisher. And then beg people to buy it. Crap.