Wednesday, April 4, 2007

The Art of Butchery

Not butchery as in a butch lesbian. Nor butchery like the handling, carving and distribution of meat. I mean butchery as in destroy, humiliate and completely destroy up the English language.
Today, while browsing houses for sale on a popular website, I came across a disturbing discovery. An owner (and I know it was an owner because it was the BUYOWNER website) boasted this: "...access to private golf coarse..." What? Are you kidding me? You want me to pay half a million dollars for your house (which looks like it's worth a quarter of that price) and you cannot distinguish the difference between coarse (as in rough) and course (as in obstacle)? NEXT!
My education is less than most people I know. Which, in my opinion, gives me the authority to be appalled by the lack of proper writing. Not just formal or creative writing but good 'ol regular letter writing, emails, even instant messages. Perhaps that's why my love for proper language has cultivated into near obsession. Almost as if I have something to prove. Something like this: "I may not have graduated with my class or walked across a stage for a diploma, but dammit, I'm smart!" We, as a generation, have damaged our reputation with regards to writing and grammar. My 6 year old is in 1st grade reading where they're learning to form proper grammar, letter writing and English language skills. I know we've come a long way since 1st grade; our brains have been filled with so much since 20 years age but try to use some of the tools taught to you during elementary education.
When I was dating (hard to remember such a time, eh?), I had very few requirements in a man. They needn't a car or a job. They needed to possess conversation skills. They needed a sense of humor and intelligence. If we reflected back to the different kinds of guys I've dated, we'd find that they had nothing in common besides basic use their brains and usually the ability to make me laugh until I peed myself. I dated wanna-be gangsters, wanna-be punk rockers, night club managers, pre-law college students and eventually married a musician (a good one, too!). They were all shapes, colors and levels of appearance. One had a face only a mother could love. I once dated a guy who was so bad for me but I didn't care because even though he had a certain exterior; inside, I knew there was a very smart kid and if only I could get him to express it more, we could get married and live happily ever after. Well, obviously, that didn't happen. I still believe he's smarter than he lets on but he's still living with his parents, doesn't have a job or a car and lives the same life as when we dated. Boy, am I glad I didn't go THAT route!
In a time where hardly anyone hand-writes letters and notes (I do) in lieu of computers and programs like Microsoft Word, it's shocking and disturbing how the English language is being butchered in such a manner. I am not, by nature or history, a spelling bee champion, nor am I a prize-winning writer. I just have a need to portray myself as well-spoken.
Even if I am a crazy bitch.
I realize now that I've probably subjected myself to extreme scrutiny with respect to my writing. I'm not saying my grammar or spelling is free of mistakes. I'm just saying I use Microsoft Word and even that only catches so many errors. And I do make typos. A lot. And I do often write exactly how I speak (like how I just used "And" at the beginning of several sentences. A big no-no!). In other words, I'm not perfect. But I'm damn close!
My friends, smart and dumb, please use the program which comes free with most computers to check the errors of your ways. You can only blame the education system for so long before it's no longer a reflection of your poor education but a reflection of your laziness and stupidity. Single women, you will attract much better men, single men, you will attract much better women. And everyone will live happily ever after.
Just like me. (haha)

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