Thursday, April 5, 2007

Spotlight 25 & Domestication

Since these two subjects are slightly related (ok, really, the only thing they have in common is me), I'm going to condense two blogs into one. Besides, some of my last few posts have been about other people. I need some time to talk about me. Because I like me. I am freaking awesome.Here we go...
I watched a Lifetime special called "Spotlight 25". The premise of the show was to infiltrate the lives and minds of women my age; 25 years old. I was really looking forward to watching this special mostly because I wanted to see myself in comparison to my generation. As many know, I've never quite "fit in" with my age. For as long as I can remember, I've been attracted to people older than myself. Lots of people chalk this up to being "mature, wise beyond years", etc. That's probably true but it's always been a little difficult, not ever feeling "normal" within my age group and a little lost in my own head. The special was interesting regardless but personally, I was frustrated because out of 12 women, only 2 had children. And the two with children were very career oriented, climbing-the-corporate-ladder types. I'm nothing like that. There were no women featured like me; young moms/wives who's life focus is on their families and nothing else. Needless to say, it was deflating to see that once again, I did not fit in with others my exact age. It was bizarre watching women on TV that are "supposed" to be just like me. On one hand, I felt much wiser and perhaps slightly superior than most of the panel. On the other hand, I felt inferior. I do not, like many of these 12 women, have a college education or a high powered career. I do, however, have experience where they have education. And I have love which most of these women were still searching for. It's a strange feeling to be both disappointed and proud of yourself in 1 hour's time.Lifetime is supposed to be running a special where the spotlight is on 30 year olds. I'm tuning into that with hopes that I will feel satisfied by this age group. Or maybe I will never fit in with any group. Perhaps I have the best of both worlds, a young age number with older opinions, experience and lifestyle. This way, I get away with a little more. On the plus side, I always win those "guess your age" games at the fair.
Before you read this next part, please go back and read my most recent post about "How Wild Women Stay Thin".
Did you read it? Ok good. Moving on...
As you know (since you were specifically asked to read the article!), the article (which was written by a man. UGH!) makes the observation that women who are "domesticated", i.e., wives, mothers, caregivers, etc, are fat because they don't get a chance to express their wildly desires so therefore, they turn to comfort foods. I have severely mixed feelings about this article. I'm offended first, because it was written by a man. What the hell does a man know about being domesticated and the feelings of oppression one may have? Even if the oppression is self-imposed. Second, the article insinuates women cannot be both domesticated AND "wild". I'm not sure they can either but that's neither here nor there. Lastly, are "domesticated" women feeling SO sorry for themselves that they're turning to comfort foods and making themselves fat and ugly? I hope not.With that said, I tend to agree with this doctor. In order to express WHY I agree, I'm going to talk about myself. (Remember? This blog is all about me because I am great!)I feel a lot of oppression. Not from anyone but myself, it's completely self inflicted oppression. I oppress myself because of a huge responsibility I have to my family. I oppress in order to be superior to those I openly criticize. Thanks to the WWoMS (this would be: The Wunnerful World of MySpace), I've reunited with lots of old friends. And they all say the same thing to me; "I cannot believe how much you've changed!" and "I would have never pinned you as a wife and mother!" I was wild. I was loud and outgoing, slightly crazy. I was angry, passionate and maybe showed some bi-polar tendencies. I would try just about anything once and jumped on every dare. I've been like that since the age of about 7. Then something shifted. I had a baby, got married. I cannot credit (or blame) my transformation on Chicken or my husband, Husband, because the process began years after both of them came into my life. I wish I could pinpoint the exact time in my life where I changed but I cannot recall. Probably because it didn't happen that fast (although it truly feels like it did). It was more of a gradual change starting when I was approximately 17 years old. Since then, I've learned and grown so much. My priorities were modified and I needed to give my child a life that I never had but always dreamed of. I wanted to be the perfect wife. Those dreams are still strong in my mind but over the years they've faded and have too, changed. I'm not the perfect wife and I'm far from the ideal mother but my focus is 100% on my family. I'm no longer wild, I'm not dangerous and much more contained. Although, I'm still loud. On my journey to be "normal", I've oppressed my own desires. But here's the thing; I don't feel like being "wild" is a particular desire that I have. Of course, I crave a girls night out like everyone else but my idea of a perfect girls night out is a bottle of wine and an art project. Or going bowling and drinking cheap beer. Maybe I'm different because I sewed my wild oats long ago. I know what's out there and I know it's not always pretty. Or maybe I've oppressed myself to the point that I don't even KNOW what my true desires are anymore!With regards to the comfort food issue, I'm not sure it's true for me. I've certainly gained plenty of weight over the years but is it because I've turned to comfort food as a form of feeling sorry for myself since I'm no longer considered a "wild girl"? I hope not. I always thought I gained so much weight over the years first as a way of comfort after my dad passed away but later because I was happy. Not because I am sad. Besides, I've seen plenty of fat party girls.

I wanted to write more about other things but this is enough about me (because really, I'm not THAT awesome). For now. I've put myself out there for everyone to see and I hope I've done it well without too much confusion and contradiction. Then again, that's me; my life has always been filled with a lot of confusion and contradiction. And pretension.
That pretension, she's a bitch.

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